Day 16 - something lovely

In the spirit of ' say what you see' I wanted to share this with you all today.  It is the window of a florist shop in Lisburn.  Local schoolchildren have made this display of flowers with messages for mothers day.  it caught my eye because I had parked the car right outside the shop so I stopped to read some of the messages and it made me smile so much.   

Can you imagine how this would make you feel if you were Mrs Gorman?   

And this one, although not easy to read, says, Roses are red, Violets are blue, I am amazing and so are you.   😊  How brilliant is that? 

This made me happy today for many reasons.  Firstly I was really happy that the shopkeeper had agreed to  have these displayed on the high street for all to see.  ( Or perhaps the shop even instigated the idea ) The kids must feel so proud to have their artwork on display in town.  I bet they all drag their mothers past the shop to see their own particular message.  It is a lovely thing for a shop to do because it must have taken them ( or someone from school ) ages to put it up.

Secondly I was chuffed to think that kids are not only doing arty crafty things in school, but are seemingly putting not inconsiderable thought into the messages they would like to send to their mothers.  Every handprint poster had a different message on it - some very simple - I love you Mummy.  Mummy you are the best.  But some of them more quirky and personalised ( there was one about Mum liking honey on her toast!)   Genuine expressions of love.  You dont see much of that on the high street these days

Thirdly I adored the message to Mrs Gorman.  You are a child of perhaps seven or eight and you have been asked to make a flower to say something special to a special person in your life.  And you choose your art teacher because she has been utterly inspiring.   That is just wonderful.  Wonderful teacher.  Wonderful child.

And lastly there is the poem ' I am amazing and you are too' .   This made me rejoice that a child can say unashamedly that they are amazing.  Because of course they are - and mother is too because all mothers are - and because this mother has grown a child who is confident in their own worth.  Would you be able to write that in a card to someone?   Happy birthday - you are amazing and so am I !!   Get Well Soon  so we can both be our amazing selves together again.    Happy Anniversary - together we make each other even more amazing.   We don't.  Cos we are adults and adults don't say that sort of thing.  But we should. 😊

It is easy to become cynical about events like Mother's Day - but today I have felt cheered.  If we are going to celebrate these high days and holidays then it should be much less about spending money and buying cards and flowers and much more about a genuine expression of gratitude and love.  Im sure the Mums of Lisburns flower shop children will be more delighted by a handprint flower than by any number of shop bought padded fancy cards.  What can you do to bless your Mum this Mother's day?

Day 15 - remembering and forgetting

My Facebook timeline reminded me that this time last year I was writing my Lent blog about forgetting.  God forgetting our sins.  And me having a really bad memory  :)

I think I might tell you about my memory and what has been going on of late - just in case, like with the depression, it strikes a chord and is helpful to someone out there who is reading this.

I've always had a poor memory - I suppose some people just have better memories than others and I've always been aware that I have no grasp of dates and details etc.   I've never been too bad at peoples names, but places and events vanish into thin air with alacrity.   When I had children at the age of 35 I proceeded to have five years of little sleep - and that isn't great for your mental health or your memory.  It is definitely when depression started to take hold, but possibly too where my memory began to get worse.  I didn't notice it much, as I didn't have a massive amount of important stuff to remember.   And people put  down any flaky episodes  to  ' baby brain'  when you have little children.   When the last of the three boys went up to nursery  (which is mercifully just across the road from our house) there were many occasions when I completely forgot to pick Ben up at the end of the day.  If it hadn't been for the fact that school finished fifteen minutes after the nursery and I was at the gates for the other two there would have been calls to grandma wondering where Id got to !!  The nursery staff must have wondered what was the matter with me - although sometimes I just pretended to be running late rather than admitting Id completely forgotten Id got a child in nursery!

Over the intervening years I have learned ( a bit) to write everything down, ask people to remind me, have a calendar beside my bed ....... a few techniques to try to keep myself on track.  And by and large it has worked reasonably well.  Ive forgotten little things loads of times but not too many really important things.    And then about six months ago I noticed a significant change.   I started to lose peoples names.  People I knew well.  Sometimes celebrities - I remember talking to someone about a film in which Meryl Streep had been the lead.  And although I could clearly see her face and I knew that I knew who she was her name just wouldnt come.   And I couldnt remember it till the next day when it suddenly came back to me.    Things like that are a bit scary.

Then one day I was out with the boys at Oxford Island - a bird sanctuary place good for dog walking.  We had been out and about and we jumped back int the car to go home.  The car park exit road was a one way track which led out onto the road..... but when I got to the junction to turn onto the road I couldnt for the life of me remember which side I should be driving on.   It wasnt until I saw a car coming towards me on the same side I was on that I knew I was on the wrong side.   Mild panic.  Not good.

So that's when I went to the doctors.

I didnt tell her that I had not been able , momentarily , to remember which side of the road to drive on ( I was terrified of losing my licence which would have thrown my life into chaos ) but I told her the rest.  She hummed and hawed and did a load of blood tests.  They all came back fine except for thyroid which was borderline.  It had been borderline for years.   She said she would boost my thyroxin levels before taking steps to refer me to a memory clinic.  So I started on the pills and began to research alzheimers and memory loss - all of which is in equal parts terrifying and fascinating.

The good news is that the pills do seem to have made a difference.  Since I started taking them I have had barely any episodes of blanking out ( although someone did ask me my postcode the other day and I couldn't remember it for a few seconds - and even after Id told her what I thought was the right thing I wasn't entirely sure )  I certainly haven't forgotten anything important like how to drive.   I don't notice any other effects of taking small amounts of thyroxine ( I had hoped it might give me lots of energy and raise my metabolic rate and make me lose weight and.... and...., 😊 )  I suspect I shall be on this low dose for the rest of my life.  And I suspect my memory will always be less than brilliant.  But as long as I am able to function and work and drive and live a useful life then that is great.  I have some insight into the whole matter of losing ones memory and it is scary and bewildering and annoying.  We should pray and give thanks for our mental faculties and not take them for granted.  We are truly blessed to be able to remember and to be able to forget.  God holds everything in perfect balance.  Alzheimers is the scourge of our age and I am so excited every time I hear of a medical or scientific breakthrough which might lead to a treatment or a cure.  I'm sure there will be one pretty soon.  In the meantime I am trying to get a sensible amount of sleep - because that is crucial - and I should probably up my levels of Omega 3. And worship more.  And speak in tongues  😊

Day 14 - time to bloom

This is my Amaryllis.   It has come into full flower today ( there are actually three flowers, lovely huge red trumpets)  It is standing proud on my windowsill.    Funny thing is though, I bought two of them at the same time.  They were both bulbs with just a short shoot protruding from the earth.  I gave one to Gladys and I kept one for myself.  Gladys's Amaryllis flowered weeks ago!  It grew much more quickly than mine and pushed out its three red trumpets despite the fact that in her care home nobody waters the plants and it was down to me to do it once a week - which isnt really enough water.    The difference between Gladys's place and mine is temperature.  In her care home they keep the rooms exceedingly warm - I imagine the amaryllis thought it was back home in its natural tropical habitat!   My house is probably on the chilly side.  We only have the heating on for an hour in the morning and then for a few hours in the evening cos we are all out all day.   Both plants flowered beautifully - but the climate affected their rate of growth.

I was admiring my lovely flower this afternoon and I felt God nudge me about the climate thing.  A couple of weeks ago in church the sermon was about worship - about how when we worship the spiritual atmosphere changes and how rather than being thermometers ( able to tell the temperature) we need to be thermostats ( able to regulate and change the temperature)

We are all growing ( hopefully) in our faith and our spiritual lives - and we are all growing in a 'climate'.   Sometimes we can look around us and wonder why everyone else is doing better than we are.  ( Now sometimes that isnt actually real - it is just our inferiority complex getting one over on us.  But sometimes our assessment is right.  Other people are doing better than we are. )  Other people who started the journey at the same time as us seem to be ahead of us on the road.  Why is that?  Why is it that some people seem to shoot up and grow so quickly and others make slow progress and seem to need lots of help?    Maybe it is partly to do with the temperature of the greenhouse in which we find ourselves.   Hmmmmm.

To unpack a bit.......   I think the people with whom we surround ourselves contribute to our spiritual temperature.  If we surround ourselves with lukewarm people we will pretty soon become lukewarm ourselves.   And we know what Jesus has to say about lukewarm people.   Seasons of difficulty, ill health, financial stress, tiredness can also bring the temperature down a little if we are not careful.

 Sin most definitely will make the air frosty around us.  And sometimes the reality is that there are people out there wishing us ill and cursing us - being unprotected ( uninsulated) will cause us to lose our fire and passion.

We are responsible for our own growth - its no excuse to blame other people or circumstances.  We can choose not to grow.  We can sit in a plantpot as a shoot or a bud and be dormant for ages and ages.  But the truth is we were meant to flower.  So being dormant is never going to be satisfying for very long.   And really when it comes down to the wire we know what we need to be doing to up the temperature so we can blossom and bloom.   We need to be in the Word, praying, worshipping, giving, serving, fellowshipping with passionate people, looking up and out rather than in.   We know all of this.  But it is sometimes just so hard to do isnt it?

I suppose at the end of the day, regardless of when we come into full bloom, once we are flowering then we are beautiful.  Our flower is unique and gives a perfume all its own.  Our colours will be special and lovely.  We will be doing what we were created to do.  So if you feel that right now you are barely poking your nose above the soil, or that you are reaching for the sun but havent fully flowered yet  - turn up the heat a bit.   Get around some people who are already in full bloom.  Crank up the worship music and change the atmosphere by your praise.  Let the Holy Spirit water you and the Word of God feed you.   Spring is here - the season of singing is upon us.  Its time to bloom

Day 13 - Seasons

I drove past a field today which contained some of the teeniest weeniest lambs I have ever seen.  They cant have been more than a day old.  They were still smooth and wobbly and so very small.  They made me smile.  In fact, I defy anyone not to smile when they see a lamb.  They are just so adorable.  

The daffodils are out.  It is springtime  Yay!!

Ive been thinking today about seasons.  Living in the UK I am so fortunate to be able to experience four seasons with their distinct characteristics.  Not everyone on planet earth gets to experience seasons.  Perhaps they might have a wet and a dry season.  Or a winter and a slightly less harsh winter.  But here in the UK we have such distinct signs that one season is over and another is here .   The lambs are some of the first signs that the winter is coming to an end.  Then we get the snowdrops, the crocuses and the daffodils.  More lambs come in February and March and by April buds are starting to appear on the trees.  What has been dull and lifeless for several months suddenly starts to burst into life again.   The whole of creation acting out the story of renewal and re-birth which Easter is all about.

The Bible talks about seasons.  The most famous verse is probably this one in Ecclesiastes  ( So good they even wrote a song about it 😊)  Of course it isnt really referring to times of the year but rather to times of our lives.  But it implies that there is a beginning and an end to all these times.  And that there are signs we can read in order to help us know when a season is coming upon us and when it is ready to depart.   When it is time to be born we know about it because we have had nine months of pregnancy and then labour pains to alert us to the fact.  When it is time to build we draw up plans and gather resources, when its a season of planting we till the earth and buy in seed.   Jesus tells the Pharisees that they can read the seasons of the year but they cant read the ' signs of the times' in the spiritual realm.  He rebuked them for not being able to see the signs which were right in front of their noses that the Kingdom of God had come among them - Jesus Himself was talking to them!!!   

And the Pharisees and Sadducees came, and to test him they asked him to show them a sign from heaven. 2 He answered them,[a] “When it is evening, you say, ‘It will be fair weather, for the sky is red.’ 3 And in the morning, ‘It will be stormy today, for the sky is red and threatening.’ You know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs of the times.               ( Matthew 16 1-3)

I want to be someone who can interpret the signs of the times.   I want to know what it means when Donald Trump is elected president.  I want to know what God is saying through world events and through local happenings.   I want to be ready for His return and wise in the run up to it.  I want to have oil in my lamp and coins in my purse.   It is easy to see the leaves on the trees and know that spring is here but I want to be able to smell the spiritual change in the season so that I can say to those who are struggling....  

Day 12 Drawing a blank

Yesterday was a nothing sort of day.  Nothing happened.  I did some shopping, did some housework, went to bed.  I didnt see anything out of the ordinary or have any deep and profound thoughts about life.  So when it comes to writing the blog...... Im drawing a blank.

Its not often that I dont have anything to say for myself 😀 Those who know me well know that I could talk for a living - a pastors wife once told me I was opinionated.  And she was probably right.  But every now and again I just dont have anything terribly interesting or significant to say.  Maybe those are the days just to keep quiet and see what happens !

Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness with nobody to talk to except God and the devil.  His fast was not only of food but of company and conversation.  I imagine His 40 days will have been pretty much silent - and for someone like me spending 40 days in silence would be infinitely more difficult than spending 40 days without food.  I think that increasingly in our world silence is a rare thing.  We are surrounded by noise from the moment we open our eyes - traffic, telly, gadgets, people, telephones, ambulance sirens, supermarket musak..... etc etc.  Barely a moment of my life is totally quiet.  Even when Im home alone theres the noise of the fridge humming in the background and people on the building site next door shouting instructions and revving up machines.  Truth be told many of us find complete silence a bit difficult.  It can be lonely.  It can be exposing. And it can give our thoughts too much space to rampage.

But actually, shutting up and switching off can be really good for us. physically, mentally and emotionally   http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/silence-brain-benefits_us_56d83967e4b0000de4037004

God knows what we need.  He knows that our lives are too busy, noisy and stressful which is why He exhorts us to get away to a quiet place and close the door when we pray.  Jesus goes away - to the wilderness, to the mountains, out on the sea, to the garden when He needs to recharge, listen, de-stress.  And so should we.

So I shall shut up now and let you have a minutes peace.  Turn off the telly or the radio or the music.  Take your cup of tea and just sit in silence for a few minutes.  Breathe deeply, relax and be at peace.  And may God richly bless your day  xx

Day 11 Brutal pruning.

When I started the blog this Lent I felt God say to me that I was to keep my eyes open and say what I was seeing.  This morning I saw this.   The trees in the churchyard in Hillsborough have had a really brutal pruning.  They look terrible.  A whole avenue of them have been cut back so hard that they just look like stumps standing tall, stark and sad.  I was quite shocked to see them like that.  Im pretty sure the last time I went past they were branchy and tree like.


After taking the photo I went to meet up with my friend Lou for lunch.  And she was telling me about her sister in law who, for a year and a half, ignored a skin lesion which was growing and changing on her stomach.  Until such a time as it began to be painful and sore when she took herself off to the GP.  She was immediately whisked into hospital for tests and biopsies etc and is waiting for the results at the moment.  But the doctor was very concerned.  My reaction was the same as everyone elses - why did she leave it so long?   If you have something growing under your skin why would you not go and get it checked out - just to be on the safe side?   It seems obvious, but lots of people ignore the signs, push these things to the back of their minds, or through fear of the consequences dont get help soon enough.

Somehow the trees and the delay in seeking treatment connected together in my head with the verse in Matthew

If your hand or your foot causes you to fall into sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life crippled or lame than to have two hands and two feet and be thrown into the eternal fire. 9And if your eye causes you to fall into sin,gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for youto enter life with one eye than to have two eyesand be thrown into the fire of hell.  Matthew 18 :9

We know that it makes sense that when we have a cancer in our body we get it chopped out as soon as possible to stop the cancer spreading and affecting our whole body.  If we have gangrene or blood poisoning sometimes the only way to stop the spread is amputation.  It is a brutal, but life saving pruning.  The trees in the churchyard have been drastically cut back because the church wants to avoid any chance of falling branches leading to damage, injury or even death.  They are big trees and we have had some wild weather of late.  Rather than wait for an accident to happen the tree surgeons have been out being proactive

Jesus was really direct about the fact that our spirits and souls can be diseased and affected in just the same way that our bodies can.  We are so very susceptible to temptation and are so easily led into sin.  Jesus says that just as we should be ruthless with the cancer in our body and cut it out so that we might live - sin is a cancer in our spirit which needs to be cut out too.  Drastic measures may be needed, but our lives depend on it - our eternal lives.   We read these verse and tell ourselves that Jesus was just being figurative - he didnt really MEAN for us to pluck out an eye or cut off a foot.  But what if He did?  Or what if He was being deliberately provocative in order to shock us out of our complacency and make us take another look at ourselves. ?  

Lent is a time for reflection and self examination.  A time for weeding out and pruning back and getting rid of the dead wood.  It is never fun to cut things out, put things away, set people down, resist temptation, confess sins and submit ourselves to God's pruning hook.  But it is His way.  And His way is life and truth and peace.   

Day 10 - good friends

I spent yesterday with friends.  First I went to see Gladys - 92 and always totally delighted to see me. I visit her every week for about an hour and never miss.  Not from any sense of duty but because I gain so much from our times together.  Gladys and I are soul mates and we love each other. It's a God thing and I am truly blessed.

Then I went to see Janice - my buddy who lost her husband at New Year.   I havent seen as much of her as I had planned to, so it was good to catch up.  We are very similar in outlook and humour and thinking.  Its a super easy relationship, very honest and real but somehow with really good boundaries which mean that neither of us feel bad or guilty if we dont keep up with each other as much as we would like.  Janice feels like the sister I never had. I trust her, I admire her.  I like her. Alot.

In the evening I was out at a music practise with a group of girls from church.  Well, from various churches.  We are having a ladies day on March 25th  (https://www.facebook.com/ViaWingsDr omore/photos/a.303562852994930.80229.282101891807693/1596275813723621/?type=3&theater  so we were going over the songs and having a great time of worship.  Afterwards I sat down with my mate Karen for a cuppa.   Karen and I share the nitty gritty of life.  Mostly the spiritual nitty gritty but sometimes the more mundane and practical stuff too.   I helped her out when she was having a hard time with her teenage son - donning my social work hat to do a spot of family therapy.  She was one of the very few people who had any inkling of my depression long before anyone else did.  We dont live in each others pockets or know all each others secrets - but we care about each other and are at very similar stages in our spiritual journeys so we pick each other up and dust each other down when life gets tricky.  When we worship together something special happens.  A spiritual synergy which I just love.

It strikes me today that Jesus put a huge value on having friends.   He had a different relationship with each disciple as well as the women who followed and served Him.  Mary, Martha and Lazarus clearly had a special place in His heart.  Peter and John were probably closer to Him than the others - John being described as the disciple who Jesus loved.  Jesus was the most attractive man who ever walked the earth - so it is not surprising that He would have swarms of people around Him wanting a piece of Him, following Him on Twitter, stalking Him on Facebook etc.  But I think that Jesus gathered a group of disciples around Him not merely because He had to pass on His teaching and establish the church through them.  I think He needed friends.

Way back at the start God said that it is not good for man to be alone.  And it isnt.  It wasnt good for Jesus to be alone either.  He needed the support and practical help and humour and understanding and prayers of a group of real people.  He spent every day for three years with a group of guys who got to know and love Him to the point where they were prepared to die for Him.  And He for them.   Greater love has no man .....    Someone once said that no man is an island.  We all need relationships and to be connected with people who genuinely care about us.  We really dont survive well in isolation.  Which is why prison ( and in particular solitary confinement) has such a catastrophic effect on peoples mental health.  And probably why Jesus only spent 40 days in the wilderness on His own before re-joining the community of His friends and family.  40 days of aloneness is hard.

Would I lay down my life for my friends?  Really.   Would I ?    I would like to think I would, but Im not sure.  Im not sure that any of them would take a bullet for me.   But Jesus did.  My best friend.  His love for me is absolute and unwavering.  He is always there, always listening, full of wisdom, compassion and kindness.  He is funny and sharp, faithful and true. I am deeply thankful that He has led me to the friends I have in my life.  He is in them and though them I get to know more of what He is like.