Day 32 - disconnect

Struggling today.  Every now and again the depression which is mostly kept well at bay by the happy pills seems to just have a little surge and I feel myself struggling to stay above the surface.  Actually, no, thats not right.  That makes it sound as though Im fighting for air. but actually what Im doing is just floating on the surface inert and lifeless.   I feel that I cant be bothered with anyone or anything.  I feel angry.  I start rehearsing in my head all the reasons I have to be miserable.   I know it wont last and that tomorrow or this afternoon or next week I shall be fine again.   But its not very nice being in that place.

So you will excuse me if this is short and to the point cos to be honest I cant really be bothered  😉

Last night I was at part one of a prophetic conference.   Worship was some of the most exuberant Ive experienced in N I for a while  ( Edinburgh folks - this means that there was a teeny reminder of the good old days, but nothing like as free ).   The teaching was all about character vs gifting.  The prayer was a sort of guided meditation about getting reconnected with the Holy Spirit - which was unusual and really quite helpful.   But all the way through I was battling the inertia which settles on me at times like these.   We sang a song  ' Death where is your victory , grave where is your sting'  and I found myself thinking, ' It's not death which is the issue.  I'm more than happy to entertain the notion of death.  It is life which is the problem.'    Which led me to think about Jesus saying that He had come to give us life in all its fullness.   What does that life look like and why arent I living it?

I suppose the only indication we have as to what 'life in all its fullness' looks like is the life of Jesus.  We have to assume that His time on earth was the perfect example of what a fully lived, fully connected, holy,  righteous life actually is.   So what was His life like?  Well it was :-

hidden for the first 30 years
poor
homeless
counter cultural
exceedingly busy
full of the demands of others
dangerous
compassionate and merciful
full of friendship
in conflict with religion
comfortable with the margins of society
miraculous
powerful
kind
outrageous
fearless
purposeful
fully connected to the Father by the Holy Spirit
prayerful
misunderstood
betrayed
much loved


etc etc etc.  As the writer said, if we were to write it all down it would fill the world with words.

I suppose the not-so-consoling thought which came to my dark-misted mind was that when Jesus promises us life in all its fullness, maybe He means life with all its ups and downs.  If Jesus had to go through the tough stuff then no doubt so do we. He promises to never leave us or forsake us as we live it - and to send us the comforter to help us through.  But some days this being alive business is hard work.   Im probably not doing it right 😊   Maybe todays prophetic conference part two will throw some light on me and get me back on track.

I'll let you know how it goes and hopefully be on better form for my next post

(PS please dont worry about me, Im fine.  Just a dip not a plummet  xx)

Day 31 - eyesight

It's really odd how sometimes the same thing seems to crop up over and over again within a short space of time, such that it becomes really noticeable.   As though God is trying to get your attention through repetition.   One such thing for me of late has been sight.  Vision.  Or lack of vision.

It started  a while back when my Mum started to suffer from macular degeneration ( a condition of deterioration of the eye).  She finds it difficult to look at anything with straight lines in it because the lines start to waver about and make her feel a bit dizzy and odd.  And then my friend Gladys seemed to lose most of her eyesight almost overnight - which was a bit concerning although the hospital say it is just down to old age.  Then at the weekend a good friend of mine told me that she has just been diagnosed with cataracts in both eyes.   Added to which I have started to have to hold the small print at arms length in order to see it. 😎

It all seems to be about eyes at the moment.

I suppose it would be easy to go down the road of ' without vision the people perish'  or  something about focusing on the Lord.  But Im not sure that that's the emphasis for today.   I think perhaps the Lord is saying something about losing sight.

I wonder what Ive lost sight of recently.

The problem with losing your sight in the physical is that so often its a gradual process.  You hold the menu just that bit further away, you squint a bit, you dont really realise that you arent seeing everything in full technicolour any more..... until eventually you miss something important ( or your arms arent long enough !) and you work out that you have to do something about it.
Perhaps its like that in the spiritual as well.   The things which we once had in our sights as ambitions or dreams or ' calling' or vocation have become just that bit dimmer.  Slightly out of focus.  Or perhaps we have started to hold them at arm's length.

I know that many years ago God spoke to me about providing accommodation for people in need.  And for years before I got married I worked towards that goal - first qualifying as a social worker, then buying and renovating a house and finally having 16 year old Cara and her six month old baby Katelin to live with me.   But then I got married, moved to Ireland and had three babies.  The plan got put on hold - and that was fine, I dont think God had a problem with that.  But in the intervening years I think I might have lost sight of what God said at the start.  It's probably time to look at it again in some way or other and see if I can get back on track with the vision.

Just as we can always find some excuse for not going to the optician for that eye test, we can always put off a spiritual health check.  But it is good to go back to what God said at the start of our journey and just make sure we are still headed in the right direction.  There is no point in going off at tangents.  He might let us do that for a time but if He has called us to do something then that something is what we had better get on with.  Whether it is being an encourager,  running a business, preaching the gospel,  caring, giving, leading, administrating, helping, praying, teaching, going to a certain place, working in a certain field or writing poetry...... whatever it is, in order to be the you God wants you to be, you need to be doing that thing.

Ask the Lord if you have lost sight of any of His purposes for your life today
Then find your glasses and get on with the business of being the most fabulous you you can be 😊

Day 30 - grace

On Tuesday night I watched the programme about footballer Rio Ferdinand and how he is coping with the grief of having lost his wife to breast cancer last year.  It was a very moving documentary and he was so open and honest talking about his fears of opening up and talking about his feelings.
 He was scared for his three young children and didnt know if he was doing a good enough job in helping them to process their feelings.  He was well supported by family and friends but still acknowledged how hard it was for him to ' do the work' of mourning.

Yesterday evening I was watching DIY SOS - a young woman went into hospital to have twins, suffered from a stroke and came home severely disabled.  Her young husband struggling so hard with twin babies, a house which was completely unsuitable for their needs, a wife who needs 24 hour care and the realisation that his best friend and life partner has gone.  Possibly, probably , forever.

All around us, all the time, people are suffering from monumental, life altering, tragic events.   In our church a young guy, newly married, went out on his motorbike before christmas.  He ended up in a coma for weeks and is now very very seriously disabled - unable to speak, walk, move much.  But still able to smile, understand and be a person loved by a young wife who now has a whole different path in front of her from the one she imagined just a few months ago.

It is tempting to think and say ' there but for the grace of God go I'  

But that is utter nonsense.   Did the grace of God not extend to Rio Ferdinand as his wife was dying?  Or to the countless young mothers struck down by illness or young men knocked off their motorbikes?    The grace of God is a gift entirely undeserved, unearned and free.  God can be nothing but gracious.  It is who He is.  His grace is every bit as active when times are tough as it is when we are living in the sunny uplands.  He is a good good Father.  All the time.   His grace , mercy, compassion and kindness are available to all in every circumstance.  We just have to draw near.   And how can people draw near if they don't know??


I think when we hear tragic stories of people going through awful times our first reaction can be to back away, give people space, fear saying the wrong thing,  worry about having to answer difficult questions.   But in times of crisis people really really need to know that

grace abounds.   They need to hear that God is right in it with them.  That He weeps with them , cares deeply and has a plan.  People need to know that there is grace to bear suffering and pain.  That life is about more than our physical bodies and their restrictions but that heaven is waiting where there is no more pain and suffering.   Rio Ferdinand doesnt know that.   He is not able to reassure his children that their Mummy is in heaven because he doesn't know that heaven exists.   He is alone and struggling with his grief because He has not been introduced to the Man of Sorrows who is acquainted with grief and can walk through it with him.

I love watching shows like DIY SOS, where people from a community come together to give practical help to complete strangers.  But the greatest help we can give anyone is to tell them about our gracious, kind, merciful God.   We fear rejection, but people in pain are suddenly free from all of the baggage of the mind.  They are focused on what is real.  They want to know truth.

SO I challenge you today - if you know someone who is suffering real trauma don't walk past on the other side.  Be brave and speak up.  Tell them that you are praying for them and that God is so willing to come alongside to carry them through.  Tell them how He has done that for you.  Reach out and embrace those who are grieving, in pain, traumatised.  Trust that God will give you the words.

Day 29 - patience (lack thereof)

I do hope you will excuse me but Im about to have a moan.  It might turn into a full blown rant.  You have been warned :)

Bit of background.  We currently live in Dromara, a small village about 35 minutes from Belfast and 20 minutes from Lisburn which is our nearest local town ( city actually but really its a town :) )  We moved here when we got married cos it is ten minutes away from where Keith's mother lives and it has a great primary school, a couple of shops and a GP surgery.  Kids all went to primary school right across the road from our house.    All good, but I did always have in mind that once they went up to secondary school then living where we do would not be ideal.

Over the past five years our lives have moved more and more towards Lisburn.  Sam, then Josh and now Ben are all at school there.  I work from a Lisburn base and Keith works in Belfast.  All the boys out of school activities are now in Lisburn.  So it makes sense for us to move house.

This time two years ago Ben was getting ready to sit his 11+ and we started talking about putting the houses on the market ( we have two, we live in one and we built one in the back garden which we have always rented out)  In my head I had it all worked out.  We would put the houses up for sale after Christmas 2015 , sell by summer 2016 and have bought a new place by Sept 2016 ready for Ben to start high school in September.   There was just one tiny weeny problem - the people next door wanted to shift the boundaries - in our favour as it happens. So that required a bit of legal paperwork.

Long story short TWO years later and we still dont have the houses on the market.!!!!   Aaaarrrrgggh. We have redecorated.  We have sorted and tidied up all the bits that never quite got finished before now.  We repainted the outside of the house.  Everything is all set and ready to go.  But for the past six months the solicitors have faffed and messed and delayed and we still dont have the one piece of paper which we need in order to establish what we own so we can put the properties up for sale.

We have prayed about it.  Lots.  Lots of people have prayed lots.  We believe that God's time is the right time.  We believe He has the right people lined up to buy both our houses and we believe there is the perfect place waiting for us to buy in Lisburn.  Really and genuinely I have no trouble at all in knowing that He has it all in hand.

So why oh why oh why have I found it so incredibly frustrating and annoying and downright aaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh  to have to wait?

Im really struggling with this and I dont know why.   Ive threatened to go into the solicitors office and shout and stamp my feet.  Ive threatened to move into rented accommodation and leave Keith to sort out the house sales.    I have been like a toddler throwing a tantrum cos Im not getting my own way.  I just want to move house.  I want to stop the endless journeys in and out of town.  I want the boys to be closer to their friends and to be able to walk to school.  I want to save about £200 a month on petrol.  I want to have a garden suitable for the dogs and to be able to sometimes walk places instead of always having to jump in the car.  That's not unreasonable is it? 😊

We are all rubbish at waiting for things.  Why?  Surely by the time we get to adulthood you would have thought we would all be so well versed in waiting that we would have it down to a fine art. But it doesnt seem to work like that does it?  Every time we come up against a ' WAIT' sign in our lives we find it difficult.   Sometimes a plain NO is easier to handle than a WAIT.

I think principally what I am finding so annoying about the whole situation is that it is outwith my control.  I am completely dependent on other people doing things and I cant make them do them more quickly.   I dont have a choice.  I have to wait and I cant change the process or speed it up .  Suddenly the word ' surrender' becomes a whole heap more practical and real.   Of course, when I get a grip and give myself a talking to then I can get myself into the ' trusting God' frame of mind.  I have no doubt at all that He has got it all in hand.  But......   hurry up God!!!  

I suppose part of 'doing Lent' is about being honest with ourselves about who we really are.  Owning our behaviour and taking responsibility for our walk with God.  The past few months have been a bit grumpy.  I have not covered myself in glory when it comes to talking and thinking about moving house.  A fruit of the spirit is patience and another is peace.  So perhaps Id better start allowing much much more of Him into my life.  I think it's probably the only answer 😇

Day 28 - blessings

Am at a complete loss as to what to say today.   Unusual for me to be without words Im sure you 'll agree 😊  So....  I thought Id list my blessings.   A few of them anyway. ( in no particular order)

I am blessed by........

Living in a country in which I am free to worship God, vote, express an opinion and be treated equally under the law.

Being healthy

Being financially secure

Having three healthy, smart, funny kind loving boys

Having two parents who love me and a brother who is very dear to my heart.

Belonging to a massive worldwide church family

having food on the table every day

having had a really excellent education

not living in fear of any kind

being musical

having a job

living close to sea and mountains and valleys

friends of decades standing - some of whom I know would take a bullet for me

being creative

having a super comfortable bed and plenty of time to spend in it 😊

technology and the way it allows me to stay connected with people.

having spent years sitting under some of the finest Bible teaching

laughter

the encouragement of strangers

having been found by Jesus when I was 16 just in the nick of time

anti-depressants

spring sunshine and warm days

hot water on tap

living in a first world country and never having known real poverty, starvation, famine or natural disaster

radio 4

music, art and culture

doctors and the health service

chocolate and all the senses and processes in my body which allow me to enjoy it.

my camera

my piano

every single person who has ever prayed for me


Counting your blessings is good - it makes you stop and be thankful and also puts in perspective the minor irritations and niggles of life.   God is so good and so kind to us all.  I hope that in reading my list you have been able to add blessings of your own.  Let us never stop being deeply grateful for every good and perfect gift which comes to us from the Father of lights.

Day 27 = wonders

Whenever Im sitting at the end of the runway in a plane which is about to take off, and I feel the engines starting to roar and there is that moment of thrust before the brakes come off and the plane starts to hurtle along - these words always come to mind

Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.  John 14 :12

Im not sure that Jesus was primarily thinking about air travel when He said that to His disciples, but nevertheless, the fact is that Jesus never flew in a plane.  😊



I was watching a documentary last night about a guy who was rowing up the west coast of Ireland.  Amazing photography captured dolphins and puffins and basking sharks and even hump backed whales!  I had no idea there were so many fascinating sea creatures on my doorstep ( so to speak)  It made me want to get a boat and go out there myself.  But of course if I did that I probably wouldnt see much or any of the things my television brought me last night.   Because the wonders of television mean that I can see the whole world, and above it and below it from my armchair.  I can see inside volcanos and the peaks of mountains and the deepest caves.  I am part of the first generation on earth which has been able to view the whole world in all its amazing glory and incredible biodiversty on a screen in front of me.  Isnt that just amazing?   Only a hundred years ago people were still marvelling at the invention of colour photography ( 1904).   Sound recording on magnetic tape only became possible in 1934 .  And yet now we can watch an amoeba splitting and dividing or see an egg being fertilized by a sperm.   We can track a blue whale's song through the oceans and accompany a greylag goose on its migration.  Incredible.  Really.

The world is truly an amazing planet.  It is full of amazing places.  Incredible beauty.  Astonishing creatures and plants and flowers.  And human beings are equally amazing - their feats of engineering, works of art, endless creativity in customs and architecture and staggering diversity of creed and tribe are also now all available to us at the touch of a button.   My great grandparents had to read books for a lifetime if they wanted to know just a tiny fraction of what I can now scroll through in an evening.
Even in my lifetime things have changed so much with the invention of the internet.   We have so much information nowadays. What would the Jesus generation make to it all I wonder.

I think it must be an end times privilege to be able to know our wonderful planet in so much detail.  It should cause us to worship the God who created it all.  As our world gets smaller our God should be getting bigger and bigger.  Every high definition image on our screens which shows us a heretofore unknown aspect of His creation is a miracle.

Let's keep our eyes open today, not just for what we can see around us in the sunshine of a spring morning, but for every wonder of the world which we encounter through technology today as well.  And let us give thanks for this wonderful time in which we live when so much of what was hidden to generations past has been made known to us.  What a privilege!

Day 26 - rest

OK, so Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness.

What was He DOING exactly ??

Forty days is a long time.  Forty days ago it was Feb 17th.  What were you doing on Feb 17th - can you remember?  I cant.

Yesterday I spent the day at the Via Wings ladies day conference.  We worshipped, we listened, we had a go at ' being still'  ( that was the theme of the day) we had lunch and chatted and listened some more.  It was a nice day.  And we thought about what it means and what it looks like to ' Be still and know that I am God'.   I cant say that I was particularly moved or inspired or awe-struck.  It was just nice to be able to take the good part of a day to chill with friends in God's presence, knowing that during the day some people would be undergoing life-changing experiences with Him.   Not me this time , but it might have been.  You never know do you?

I came home thinking about the whole ' be still' thing, in the context of the Lent blog and it led to me wonder what Jesus was up to during his forty wilderness days.  As far as we know He was completely on His own.  No phone.  No ipad.  No food.  No work.   Nobody at all except the wild animals and the birds.  Did He sit down on a rock for forty days and wait for God ( and the devil) to speak to Him?  Did He walk for miles and miles each day pondering the word of God?   Did He find Himself something to do - perhaps He built Himself a shelter out of scrub and rocks or composed poetry in His head or wrote songs?    Forty days is an awful long time to do nothing.

When was the last time you did nothing?   I mean apart from being asleep....   when was the last time you sat in a chair in complete silence and listened to your own heartbeat?   Maybe you are very good at doing that.  Im rubbish at it.   If Im sitting still ( which I do from time to time) then there is always music playing or the telly on or something.   If I'm outside walking the dogs Im pretty much always either scouting for photos to take or searching for firewood or just trying to keep my dogs from wandering or chasing other dogs.   I sometimes consider time in the car as my ' alone time'.  And of course I am alone then, but Im still busy doing something.  Namely driving.    I find it almost impossible to be still.  Completely.  Mentally and physically.    I think the only place where I came close to being still is at the beach.  There is something about the sea which I find utterly liberating.  I used to live beside the sea and spent many a happy hour doing nothing much at all whilst wandering the shores.  But for the past 17 years Ive been pretty much landlocked.  And not still.

I think it is interesting that the temptation of Jesus comes just before He starts His public ministry.  Traditionally people think about it in terms of Satan coming to Him to divert Him from the path and Jesus redeeming the sin of Adam ( who succumbed to the lust of the eyes the lust of the flesh and the pride of life).   But today I saw it in a different light.  Jesus had been working as a carpenter for, probably, the past 16 or 17 years.   Im sure it was hard physical work.  He was about to embark on a whole new way of life.  Perhaps He needed to rest.  Maybe God, knowing what was coming and the pressures Jesus was going to be under from all sides as He became public property, with no privacy whatsoever,  maybe God told Jesus He needed to do nothing for forty days.   To completely rest.  Recharge the batteries.  Physically and mentally to stop, sit, be still.    Yes, of course Im sure that spiritually it was a time for Jesus to connect with His Father and fight off the temptations and set His face towards His mission.   But physically I wonder if He didnt just need a break.   Forty days of peace and rest and no demands on His time.

God's word is very very clear that we need rest.  We need a Sabbath - a day off - a day to recharge every single week.  We need to sleep.  If we dont, we get ill.  Physically our bodies just cant cope with being constantly on the go.  Our brains implode if we are just constantly bombarding them with work, responsibility, pressure, information, tasks , problems to solve.  I'm sure Jesus as a good Jew kept the Sabbath every week.   But after nearly two decades of hard physical work, and before embarking on His big mission, maybe He needed a more extended period of rest.

Maybe you do too.

Perhaps you need a real, proper, do nothing, sit in the sun type holiday.   Don't feel guilty if you do.
Perhaps you need to take a sabbatical from work and go and do something completely different for a while.  Maybe it's time to retire.   Or perhaps you just need to get to bed at a sensible time every night.

You know who you are  😉