Day 32 - disconnect

Struggling today.  Every now and again the depression which is mostly kept well at bay by the happy pills seems to just have a little surge and I feel myself struggling to stay above the surface.  Actually, no, thats not right.  That makes it sound as though Im fighting for air. but actually what Im doing is just floating on the surface inert and lifeless.   I feel that I cant be bothered with anyone or anything.  I feel angry.  I start rehearsing in my head all the reasons I have to be miserable.   I know it wont last and that tomorrow or this afternoon or next week I shall be fine again.   But its not very nice being in that place.

So you will excuse me if this is short and to the point cos to be honest I cant really be bothered  😉

Last night I was at part one of a prophetic conference.   Worship was some of the most exuberant Ive experienced in N I for a while  ( Edinburgh folks - this means that there was a teeny reminder of the good old days, but nothing like as free ).   The teaching was all about character vs gifting.  The prayer was a sort of guided meditation about getting reconnected with the Holy Spirit - which was unusual and really quite helpful.   But all the way through I was battling the inertia which settles on me at times like these.   We sang a song  ' Death where is your victory , grave where is your sting'  and I found myself thinking, ' It's not death which is the issue.  I'm more than happy to entertain the notion of death.  It is life which is the problem.'    Which led me to think about Jesus saying that He had come to give us life in all its fullness.   What does that life look like and why arent I living it?

I suppose the only indication we have as to what 'life in all its fullness' looks like is the life of Jesus.  We have to assume that His time on earth was the perfect example of what a fully lived, fully connected, holy,  righteous life actually is.   So what was His life like?  Well it was :-

hidden for the first 30 years
poor
homeless
counter cultural
exceedingly busy
full of the demands of others
dangerous
compassionate and merciful
full of friendship
in conflict with religion
comfortable with the margins of society
miraculous
powerful
kind
outrageous
fearless
purposeful
fully connected to the Father by the Holy Spirit
prayerful
misunderstood
betrayed
much loved


etc etc etc.  As the writer said, if we were to write it all down it would fill the world with words.

I suppose the not-so-consoling thought which came to my dark-misted mind was that when Jesus promises us life in all its fullness, maybe He means life with all its ups and downs.  If Jesus had to go through the tough stuff then no doubt so do we. He promises to never leave us or forsake us as we live it - and to send us the comforter to help us through.  But some days this being alive business is hard work.   Im probably not doing it right 😊   Maybe todays prophetic conference part two will throw some light on me and get me back on track.

I'll let you know how it goes and hopefully be on better form for my next post

(PS please dont worry about me, Im fine.  Just a dip not a plummet  xx)